The Big Bluff

I had an interesting encounter the other day that reminded me of the above parody. Specifically of options #4 and #6 (go ahead and listen again so you'll know what I'm talking about).

My cubicle at the Police Department is near my supervisor's office. He typically leaves his door open as well as the window in his office. That window looks out to the walkway that leads from the parking lot of the PD to our front lobby. As I was sitting at my desk, I heard a female out in the front parking lot repeatedly screaming at the top of her lungs, "Let me go!!!".

Now, it is not unusual for people to bring their "in-progress" problems and conflicts to our front door so I got up and looked out the window. I saw an adult female holding a teen-age female by the upper arm, trying to walk her into our front lobby. The teenager was obviously having none of it and was voicing her displeasure at the top of her lungs. Another Detective and I walked out to intervene.

By the time I got to the parking lot, the woman was standing alone and pointing towards the street. I don't exactly remember what she said but it was apparent that the teenager was her daughter. I heard the phrases, "out of control" and "running away" and saw the girl walking away down the sidewalk. I left the woman with my partner and set after the girl.

I called to her to stop but she, being a distraught teenager, of course ignored me. I then informed her in so many words that if I had to chase after her she would sadly regret it. This obviously worked as she stopped, turned around and glared at me.

The girl was sobbing and inconsolable but I managed to gather that earlier in the day she had been with some friends and called another girl in her neighborhood a profane epithet. That girl's mother had called this girl's mother to address it. According to this girl, her mother dealt with it by screaming at her and calling her names. She subsequently tried to run away and apparently, while in a fit of "that's the last straw" type rage, her mother brought her to the Chico Police Department for us to deal with.

Interpreting this story with a healthy bit of skepticism and aware that there's always more to the story, I went back and spoke to the mother. She was now seated on bench, just outside our front door, smoking a cigarette (I realize that this is not a particularly relevant observation, but it creates a good mental image for you, doesn't it?). I relayed to her what her daughter had told me and asked if these were in fact the circumstances that brought the two of them to our front door. She replied that is was.

Now, in my mind I could clearly predict where this would go and how it would ultimately play out. In all fairness, however, I ask this woman what she would like us to do for her. Again, I can't remember her exact words, but her solution involved us somehow incarcerating her child because she could no longer control her. She said this to me with the clear intent of her daughter, who was now standing nearby, to hear this.

I quietly tried to explain that we were not going to be able to do anything like that since, at the very least, no crime was committed, and that that sort of drastic measure was not going to fix the problems between her and her daughter whicht were obviously years in the making. By her demeanor, it was clear to me that she did not like what I was telling her.

She then asked what she was supposed to do with her out-of-control daughter. I told her (half sarcastically and half seriously) that if she felt she could no longer parent her child that she could relinquish her parental rights and have the child declared a ward of the court, thus allowing the state to place her daughter in some group home until she turned 18. Before I could finish this statement, the woman stood up, said "fine", walked out into the parking lot and loaded her daughter into their car and drove away.

I'm sure there are some among you who would consider my comments to this woman insensitive and callous. You'll just have to take my word for it that this woman was not seeking any meaningful guidance or counselling. She was pulling what I call the Big Bluff with her daughter and I was not willing to participate.

When parents repeatedly fail to effectively discipline their children over a period of years, at some point, usually in the early teens, the child stops taking the parent seriously. I see it start with small children; the repeated threats of punishment that never happen or my favorite, a parent that counts. Children have an uncanny ability to figure out a parent that doesn't follow through with these threats.

Any cop will tell you that we are often called to homes to deal with "out of control" children. Family disputes are a common Police "call for service" and cops spend a lot of time counselling people who are having conflict inside the family dynamic. What I have a particular distaste for, however, is the parent who has been upping the ante in the bluffing game with their children for years. And now, fresh out of new things with which to threaten their child, they try to draw us into the game. They want the Police to now threaten their child that if they don't straighten up, we'll do something about it.

I've worked with many officers who will willingly play along, believing that they are helping these people counsel their incorrigible children. I refuse to do it. I'm not going to tell some kid that I am going to do something like put him/her in Juvenile Hall if they don't straighten up. Primarily because it isn't true. Only serious juvenile offenders ever see the inside of the Hall anymore.

More importantly, however, by playing along I am doing this parent no favors. The child will soon figure out that I can't follow through with this threat either. This can only diminish the parent in the eyes of their child even more. And, last thing I want is for this kid to now start looking at a Police Officer they way they look at their parents: someone who they don't have to take seriously (There's already enough of those kids who've since grown up and enrolled at CSUC).

It's often tempting to chew out a parent who has called me to their home for this purpose. I've found though, that a patient explanation of why this tactic won't work often results in a small light bulb going off in their heads. I doubt my counselling ever fixes the problems for these families that were years in the making, but maybe they'll try something different next time. The sad thing is that since P.E.N. (Parent Education Network) shut down, there are very few places to direct people for parenting skills resources.

Our job is challenging, especially in a world where ever decreasing government budgets mean less social services for those who need it. The Police more and more become the default entity to deal with problems that don't have a solution. We try to keep a positive attitude but in the context of this discussion, there's one thing that pisses off every cop I've ever met. That is when we encounter a family out in public and the parent turns to their child and says, "See that Officer over there? If you don't behave, he's going to take you to jail".

It happens to us frequently and it is infuriating. If you by chance have ever done that and wondered why you got a dirty look from the cop, maybe now you'll understand why.